 We will never be as young as we tonight~ Thursday, December 24, 2009
 You cut me deep and stepped on it at 9:45 PMI don't know where to start. Here I am at home thinking about tomorrow which is today. I've not seen you in quite awhile too. So I thought why not make it really special? Plan I did only to let it all crumble down. You were being stubborn as usual which I can still tolerate cos I wanted to trust you. Although you didn't trust me. I thought I could show you that you are able to trust me. And for over two years, I listen to your rules and you are not even my wife. Why? Simple. I love you. Back to being stubborn, I thought you were only gonna be a little late. Second time you pang seh me, but I didn't want that to get in the way. I still wanted to make it a special day for you. Why? Simple. I love you. But what came next was totally unexpected. And you, you wanted to stay. Even though I told you not to. Did you know how that made me feel? Reason, don't want to waste money taking the cab. So going home is a waste of money to you? I could have gladly repay you as I was worried for your safety. You keep saying its fine but I can't know cos I'm not the fuck there! But in truth, you wanted to be there with them. Although I may still be a little angry it could still be better if you went to a girl's house don't you think? Without a guy there that is. Maybe with adults in the home too? Where did I go wrong? Giving you too much freedom? Letting you take over my life? Just so that you could trust me. Just so that I could get my life back. Was I being too lenient? You didn't like it when I was strict. Back to you making me...even the word miserable is not enough. I trusted you. But you abused it. On top of making me angry and sad, you stopped answering my calls and did not reply my texts. Prayed I did in hopes you are safe. Why did you even do that? I was worried something might have happened to you. Or were you having fun. If so, with what and how? In a daze you left me. I saw the worse whenever I closed my eyes. Deprived of sleep I am. And just the day before I was able to sleep with ease. Wanted to scream, but I did want to wake everybody up. What was it I felt? Anger, pain or sorrow? All three? Or something new? With shaking hands, I dialed your number. Only to be ignored by the receiving end. Tried to think positive. With hopes of able to put my mind at ease. But only in vain. I had to beat myself up. Literally. Had to make my body tired. So that I could sleep. Success. But woke up again after three hours. Without feeling tired. Without feeling sleepy. Without feeling the desire to go back to sleep. My mind was still not at ease. That was what woke me up. You were still in my mind. You still had me worried. Again I dialed. Once. Twice. Three times. Ignored. You said you were going home. In the text you sent while I was asleep. But you never told me you reached there. I had to make sure. Thank God the sun was up. I dialed her home. Kid bro picked up. She was there. Relieved I was. But still not happy. I still plan to go out today. First reason, I really want to watch avatar. Second, I already bought a present. Third, I love you. But. "I wanna sleep". Is what you said. Still being beyond miserable, I decided to go out with you. And that is what you come out with? Yes you are tired. But who told to stay up all night or morning doing God knows what over there??!! You are willing to stay up for them which includes a guy and you can't do it for me? What does that make me? Maybe there are even more than one guy and you are not telling me. That aside, you can at least stay up a bit longer for me. Another issue, you never let me even have a girl friend. So what are you gonna say to this? To what you have done? How long has this even been going on? In my absence for the week, what have you been doing? Or was it long before? Ask I did, only to leave you not answering. Again you left me in a daze. I do not know what to think anymore. I do not know what to do. I just don't know anymore. You placed me in a very difficult position. Very sad, angry and painful position. Way beyond miserable. I pray to God in hopes of knowing. Please help me God. After what you have done, can you still look into my eyes and tell me you love me? And all the things you said before? If you are wondering if I love you, I still do. Very much. Cos if don't, I wouldn't get hurt. I wouldn't get angry at you. I wouldn't even care. You abused my trust, My care and concern for you, My strong feelings, My love for you. You cut me deep and stepped on it. If you and some readers are wondering why I didn't cry, It's cos I'm dried out of tears. Have already been crying way too much. I've played my part. -Ezan xoxo, you know you love me |
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